Ok so I plan on making specific meditations for specific months based on what part of the year ... this month's meditation is based on making a self inventory and below will be a cut an paste of what I have put into it sofar ... so that whomever may hopefully glean wisdom.
For those who choose to participate :
Each day write 5 good things in your life. If applicable write why it's good and what can be done to make it better.
Same goes for the negative, why is it bad and what can be done to rectify it.
day 1:
positives:
1. my kids
1a. savannah
1b. aurelia 'aithne'
1c. karrin
why :
why not ... in a nurturing enviroment they are the best behaved little angels one could ever hope to lay eyes on
what could be done to make it better:
education, love on them like it was the last day on earth (more so than I already do), more educational tv (mythbusters, science channel, discovery kids etc. stuff that I grew up on that stimulated my mind to be the questioning person I am today)
2. my living situation
why : all of a sudden I am worth something .. this is un-natural almost surreal ... it feel good and thusly I feel I must do everything in my power to propagate the continued survival and wellbeing of this situation ... we must thrive
what can be done to improve : alot of patience, the passing of dcfs the continued security and safety of all those involved, some learning about relationship psychology so this wonderful thing can be turned into something the princess bride would tell legends about
3. my continued resolve
why : it is the basis of who I am today ... all my scars shaped me into the caring (sometimes overly so) person that I am today
what can be done:
which leads into one of today's negatives ... I tend to be hyper vigilant and hyper accountable ... stop vying this angle from an aspect of my personal pain and start reaping the seeds that i have sown concerning the fact that it just feels good to do nice things.
4. my willpower
why: If I really want something to get done it tends to get that way quickly ... hardly anything I want (save maybe a cigarette) is something that I do for me. It just feels good to "pay it forward" much better then facing the dull bleak shell that the love of my life is helping me rebuild a step at a time
what can be done : keep marching forward
5. my beautiful wonderful fiancée
why : I have found a diamond in the dirty pond mud
what can be done : although this is heaven compared to where I have been ... any relationship takes work ... we have found succcess beyond my wildest expectations or ambitions but staying vigilant against things like greed, guilt and deception will keep thing in perfect working order for a whole lifetime and hopefully beyond
The negatives :
1. my anxiety
why: because out of fear I step away from my balance as a druid and do things because I have not just anxiety attacks but terror attacks ... I will (out of raw fear) do things like sweep the house 10 times when once will suffice for that given 2 hour period
what can be done :
let dcfs pass ... even though I will be giving up the "aegis" of having an open case with them (meaning my permanency worker (marci ogaard is perhaps the only one who is in it to do her job not have a power trip) can't just call up and say "hey mike wtf?" because it will no longer be her case ... the panic of having my kids in "the pawn shop" is quite overwhelming especially when I have no idea how much "the loan" is for
2. my depression
why :
what is done is done .. the past is the past there is nothing I can do to change it however the human psyche can only take so much before it employs it's own defense mechanisms and anxiety as well as ptsd can lead very rapidly to depression
what can be done:
wise shrink once said psychotherapy is like chopping down a tree
you have to treat the underlying causes in order to alleviate the present maladies ... just keep positive and keep walking the path of honor while continually challenging myself.
3. low self esteem :
why : after years of hearing that I am a looser that will not amount to anything and seeing this demonstrated by those I at one point cared deeply for ... one tends to let it set in because one knows no other way out, believe long enough and it becomes reality.
what can be done: affirmation, validation, engraciation
only when one knows heaven and one knows earth may one make their victory.
4. hyper accountability and hyper vigilance
why :
It has been a survival method for so long I have forgotten the rest of the world exists. But the answer is not to live in fear ... again as sun tsu says "rely not on the chance of the enemy's not attacking but rather on the fact that I have made my position unassailable" doesn't mean watch constantly and hope for the worst but rather hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Typically the reward is something in between.
5. doom and gloom :
why :
I have a master's in personal disaster management awarded from the school of hard knocks .. after awhile it tends to weigh on a person
what can be done :
"going out" as those who have been there will put it is a misconception. As is all self medication, now sure you put a bandaid on the bad but you block out all the good.
So this is not an option. The way that all this disaster management has taught me is to take crisis and cut it up into manageable chunks. To the starfish you are able to throw back into the ocean it makes all the difference in the world, but you can't save them all no matter how hard you try.
the above post was me (mike) btw ... since I have challenged everyone to participate here is day 2
Positives :
1. the fact that my two younger kids will not just walk but run to give me a hug when I hold my arms out.
why : this should be self explanatory ... it adds to alot of positives in my life and is very heartwarming
what can be done : continue with the over abundance of positive re-enforcement that they already receive. It is amazing what can happen when one actually pays attention to them, both here and in bluffdale
2. denise
why: this lady has held me up when I didn't even have the strength to stand myself.
what can be done : more positive relationship skills ... seriously this has changed my life in ways I never thought possible.
3. medication upgrades
why : I too am in a process of growth I have adopted witchcraft and a tradition as a means of betterment, however I too sometimes get overwhelmed when placed between a rock and a hard spot. So since stress migraines have became almost a daily thing if left unattended.
what can be done : stick with it until the stressors and their physical symptoms subside.
4. being so close to having my kids
why: they are my kids and I love them dearly ... Plus I brought them into this world therefore they are my responsibility
what can be done : well, we have the house, the food and utilities, a nurturing loving environment what can be done is to keep it that way forever so that when they grow up they will be legendary members of society.
5. may 21, 2011
see the event as it is posted ... that's all I can say for now
negatives :
1. anxiety
why:
as I get closer to the core of my problems it becomes harder and harder to distinguish a panic attack from a heart attack because I am not doing something for my kids or my house or my many ventures ... basically doing something to stay busy and productive.
what can be done :
until the storm blows over and my body stops rebelling on me because my psyche hiccups then two words are the answer Meditation & (if necessary) medication.
2. continued dcfs involvement
why:
because although the permanency worker has her head on straight ... if the ad litem is doing her job then she will refute any reason why I should ever see my kids again let alone have custody of them ... maybe this is just my opinion and observation but utah is the mommy state and although records prove that dads are starting to get happy endings every day ... my case will be the first that I have ever seen it personally
what can be done:
keep straight, keep flying right, stay productive, keep a good environment for my kids, meet EVERY requirement not only flawlessly but with finesse. And if I loose because I neurotically (they are quite frightening) did everything they told me to do then I will have one hell of a case to take to federal court.
3.
attention deficit
why :
I have worries that I constantly beat out of my brain regarding my situation (yes I am human too and subject to human limitations) I feel that it must be some higher power keeping me from breaking down because I am afraid. Because nobody I have ever known has held together under this much stress. This makes it very hard to concentrate
what can be done:
Keep stuff like this going so that nobody else has to go through this hell alone, wait for it to blow over so that I can get medication appropriate to my condition without having to worry about scrutiny from the state, the testing place the ad litem suggests so strongly that I go to, and anyone else who would stand to profit from me loosing my kids. (my klonazapam is a benzodiazapine and shows up as one, my welbutrin has about a 1 in 20 chance of showing up as methamphedimine due to metabolic factors, the only thing that doesn't have more than a one in a million chance of popping a false positive is my headache med because it's a beta blocker. (although the dcfs lady says it's ok and I should stick to meds as the fact that they are prescribed by the appropriate people and this (supposedly) affords me legal immunity to metabolic flaws in my system or poor calibration of the gas chromatograph they test everyone's samples with) I am too scared that the ad litem will do the chicken dance and throw a party if I give her anything to use against me without looking deeper than something that can be done to pander sympathy from the courts here in the mommy state.
this is all I am going to post for negatives today since although there has been quite the amount of state induced panic, and I am a bit depressed that I had to take the kids back to my parents til friday as per the fact I have not officially been given the trial placement yet ..... all this aside denise has made this a very good evening and I am tired of complaining for tonight (anyone want to know more email me or call me after about 10:30am tomorrow mst or gmt-7:00).
today has alot of the same
the battle is being won, I am on track but still suffer from extreme anxiety
today's chunk of time got spent on figuring out how to market this community into the foundation I want it to become
the negative for today id the fact that I am having a hard time stomaching the state. the ex now meth head is playing games with visitation and nobody cares to do anything about it ....
positives are that I have my kids here and although they are a handful I wouldn't trade it for anything ... think I pissed denise off with my anxiety ... I refuse to be anything less than over protective though ... so ya alot to talk about but nothing I haven't already said .. and there are ways to work off my anxiety
ok so I am not off of my timeframe here is the update for today ...
I am as always scared of the state I have been a total a$$h0le to myself today
Stuff has to be done not only here but elsewhere which is advancing by leaps and bounds. I am happy to have my kids here til wednesday and this morning hopefully enforced a boundry between to rivals ... no illicit medication of any kind ... had somewhat of a headache all day but the kids and thier hugs are the best anti anxiety there is .. i am getting immune to my scripts but slept for like 9 hours today ... when I was not supposed to ... there is 4 or 5 neggatives for you. and the growth of my page as well as the stuff I have implimented should count for positives ... mota thee
alot of positives for today, I have implemented a schedule, same schedule I have ham-handed my way through since last june. Sometimes with success sometimes without. Now with my kids officially in my custody via trial in home placement they have to come first. I planned out my entire day in a way that somewhat allows me to work via the computer. It's easy to follow two kids around and take care of them with a laptop and a wireless connection. So three problems solved in one fell swoop there. Namely the fact that my house will look like 5 mormon housewives came over and had a cleaning party (no disrespect but those who have seen a typical mormon household know they are usually insanely spotless)
My former boss told me that he knows of a couple sites to fill my storefront on here so I intend to take him up on it. Thus the 4th positive, and the 5th was that my three year old was soo incredibly helpful today one can not believe it.
There is one, possibly two negatives today. The first is that for some reason I have been overly anxious today causing a mild migraine. Second I don't want to be up until 4am again because my brain simply doesn't want to sleep.
